What Actually Scares Me?

Stories, especially in the horror, thriller, and supernatural categories, have always been a way for me to indirectly express myself; naturally, if life feels like a never-ending wheel of terror. A long spear poking and probing us all, why wouldn't my mind be attracted to situations, that perfectly mirror what we all feel? The stakes are higher, sure. And most of the time, metaphorical.

I don't literally have a Jigsaw or fleet of sadomasochistic beings personalizing my very own slice of eternal suffering - yet, there is the theory of god, some fans have been floating around for awhile - and truthfully, It's been both a healing and a creative pursuit for me to cathartically view myself, and the world, living in some self-orchestrated and perfectly scored nightmare (and to be fair, the real truth of the United States being the maker of all chaos would be enough if their playlists didn't suck).

But what about fear? If I'm finding comfort in horror entertainment, what stories actually make me feel afraid, in a non-literal "the death of the planet" fear but more of a spine chilling thought? In a lingering, bump-in-the-night sorta way?

I don't know if a name for this genre already exists (feel free to send me a corrective email if you know) but my mind has always named it "Systemic Horror". Movies, books, or shows that usually focus on an pervasive and oppressive force, just hopelessly beating down on the protagonists, either through relationships upholding the cruel ideals of the violent society or just the literal government, torturing them for a 2 hour life-span. It's powerful and horrific, but most importantly, it's urgent. Not only used as a mirror, or magnifying glass exaggerating the use of government-infested zombies as ways to talk about immoral military occupations, but as an invisible promise. A death oath from The West: the good of your conflicts will never see outcome of the greater, if we can help it. If we can successfully discourage you from organizing. If we can destroy even the option of mutual care. If if if if...

There's never been a system that hasn't frighten me; what do you mean it has to be done this way? What do you mean there are consequences for non-compliance?

It's hard to live in a world where rules have buildings but also makes homes in the heart. Internalization winning over the love dwindling in your neighbor's once forgiving eye now soiled with the state's ways of feeling and deciding whom or what is safe; a judicial system that has no problem using "vibes" as a way to decide who or whom is a criminal is fucking horrifying. Especially when you realize that cultural titles (i.e. the dangerous stranger vs the innocent left holding the gun) are incidental and meaningless. Are powerful and dangerous, when reinforced through daily churning. Stereotypes mindlessly reinforcing their build in society but cycling themselves like a swirling toilet. Our eyes and ears unable or unwilling to look up and witness the flusher; this fails everyone. But more importantly, it fails the people most affected by racism and ableism; their bodies judged and dealt in our daily court of the sidewalks. The courts of our office culture and what it means to be "employable."

I've listed two examples below that I feel fully emulate the lulling, hopeless fear that systems perpetuate within our world. It should be noted that most of these examples are literal and interpersonal systems; of course metaphorical accounts of control can be terrifying. But I, however, am a person more genuinely fearful of the actual ordering of suffering. In places painted as common, but terrible for an autistic, dyslexic, and agender person. A person who views systems as ritualized births, breeding grounds for wombing capitalists, spreading the seed of their exploitative practices through mundane programing. Also, this is (semi) spoiler free! Be warned.

1. Severance ((2022) dir. Ben Stiller and Aoife McArdle)

Severance was so, so good. It scratched all the right narratives; a weird fascination with Walt Disney's failure to develop Epcot into an enclosed community with churches and schools readying their young to serve the mouse, all the way to gossip bubbling with the burned the beans of the break room's coffee. It was a must need for a sweater. It was an eerie, bone-chilling reminder that office work is pointless for a reason: it's harder to be willing participate systemic destruction if you're also the author (and before you say billionaires, I would still argue no labor is actually being participated or passed from their hands), and loosing yourself into the sound of clicking keys is the lullaby. The boringness that numbs people curiosity's to see where their inventory really comes from. Where the product's molted, cracked shell stays sitting, rotting on other's exhaustion. People suffering, underpaid, and never seen by the company's favorite children; the ones living in a kingdom of gray. With clouded windows, hotboxed by wealth's trickle-down breath.

2. Black Mirror S2E2 White Bear ((2013) dir. Carl Tibbetts)

I promise you that there is never a moment when I am not thinking about the ethical abandonment of White Bear. Specifically, when I spent far too long being worried about an elusive "cancellation" waiting for me in the future, and far less concerned with matters superseding the desire to preserve this false-alluded perception of self. Full disclosure, I threw up after finishing this episode and for years, I struggled to return back to Black Mirror, mostly because the trickery that transpires in White Bear loops in my head. Playing whenever I'm reminded or witness the theatrics of public humiliation; I think the parade scene is my worst nightmare. I think never having the chance to be forgiven for the worst things I've ever done is something I've really had to sit with. Get comfortable with the exposure of footlights and allow myself to be unfavorable to someone. Resist the temptation to feel entitled to manipulate all versions of me, and witness that ego totality is a harmful system I can force onto others. My desire to control, slithering about like the Law.